How to Fight Fair: Navigating Conflict in Relationships

Let’s be honest—everyone fights sometimes, especially when you live with someone. No matter how compatible you are, it’s natural to have moments where you don’t see eye to eye. A healthy relationship isn’t one where conflict never happens—it’s one where both partners feel safe voicing their perspectives and working through disagreements together.

Why Conflict Happens

When we’re upset, our brain often flips into fight-or-flight mode. This is our nervous system’s way of protecting us from danger—great if you’re facing a bear in the woods, but not so helpful when you’re trying to resolve a disagreement about dishes or family plans.

In this state, the frontal lobes—the parts of the brain responsible for logic, empathy, impulse control, and problem-solving—aren’t functioning at their best. That’s why arguments in the heat of the moment often go sideways fast. You might notice one person wanting to argue it out, while the other wants to escape and avoid. These are just different conflict responses, and both are valid—but navigating them requires understanding and strategy.

Pause, Don’t Escalate

If you and your partner are both dysregulated, chances are you’re not going to have a productive conversation. Agree to take a break—anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes—to regulate your emotions. This isn’t avoidance; it’s preparation for a better conversation. The key is to make sure you both agree to come back to the issue afterward.

During this time, do what soothes you: cry, journal, breathe deeply, watch a funny video, punch a pillow—whatever helps you return to baseline. Your feelings are valid, and your nervous system deserves care.

Return and Reconnect

Once you’re both regulated, come back together and try again. Practice active listening—make eye contact, use open body language, nod to show you’re paying attention. Let your partner finish their thoughts before responding.

Most importantly, validate their feelings. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but you can acknowledge their emotional experience:

“I can see how that would be frustrating.”“That makes sense that you’d feel hurt by that.”

Validation helps defuse defensiveness and creates space for connection. Once people feel heard, they’re much more open to problem-solving.

Stick to the Topic

When tensions are high, it’s tempting to bring up everything that’s ever gone wrong. Don’t. Focus on the issue at hand. If another concern comes up, you can say:

“I hear that’s important too—let’s make time to talk about that separately. Right now, I want to focus on this.”

This keeps the conversation manageable and fair.

Same Team Energy

At the end of the day, you and your partner are on the same team. It’s not you versus them—it’s both of you versus the problem. If you can hold onto that mindset, even tough conversations can become moments of growth and deeper connection.

Conflict doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. In fact, when handled with care, it can be a pathway to better understanding, stronger trust, and a more resilient bond.